hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
