He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
