Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
