I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
