Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
be right there i have to get my cape
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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