I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
