i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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