It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
