Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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