Betty ford says i'm here all night
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
