I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And then he peed in my hair
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
