On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
