I accidentally had phone sex last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
