I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
