Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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