maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
