I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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