I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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