She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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