"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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