My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
COCAINE IS GR8
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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