she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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