How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
