White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
