I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
