do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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