i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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