just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
