but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
