i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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