: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
