Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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