i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
