Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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