I got chris browned last night
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
