Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
