My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
