but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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