fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
