I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
