My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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