sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
