McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
