Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
