There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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