GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
