Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Barsexuality is the new black.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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