How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
