Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Randomize
