My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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