What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
