Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
