he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Panties = found
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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