tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
