Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
