I can tuck mytits in my pants
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
