my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's blow job season.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
