...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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