Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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