Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im drinking this country out of the recession.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
