Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
