now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
