I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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