i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
