1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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